Corona - Part I of ?



I've wanted to write something to express my feelings about the current situation.  I've started to plan out what I've wanted to say numerous times only to stop myself.  Why would anyone listen to me?  As a collective, I think we have reached a point of saturation when it comes to information and feelings.  I am starting to wonder if there is a contest for being the most coronavirus-pious and if I am somehow losing because I haven't changed my Facebook profile picture to a slogan about staying home or that I haven't shared a tutorial about how to fashion a mask from a discarded Doritos bag and a pair of broken earbuds.  (Mind you, these are both serious things, but they are at the end of my patience scheme.)

I care.  I want this to end.  I'm also ungodly worn out over a situation that feels like it has no end.  I've always thought that inspirational quotes were pure bullshit, not because I believe in constant negativity, but I was always frustrated by how simplistic they make emotions seem.  If you just smile harder, it'll all be better.  Fuck that.  I can refuse to be positive sometimes and that's legitimate.  When it comes to Covid-19, I am pretty much done looking for silver linings in a toilet bowl full of diarrhea.  

I'm not sure if that last sentence even makes sense.  I'm not sure if anything I'm feeling makes sense. What's a valid emotion at this point?  Does it make me sound selfish?  I definitely don't want to be selfish at this point.  Perhaps I'm just a failure for not trying hard enough to find some sort of silver lining.  Perhaps I'm just angry that I can't go to run club or drink at a brewery anymore and the loss of that weighs on my mind more than the horror we are all trying to prevent.  And because of me being more sad about my loss than the collective loss, it makes me some sort of terrible asshole.  

Three weeks worth of jumbled, disjointed emotions seemed to come into focus when a teacher friend of mine shared this infographic on Facebook:


Even though the infographic is about children, they all seemed so incredibly familiar these past three weeks.  Anger that my refrigerator makes obscenely loud noises every hour, but since it works to chill food, it can't be repaired until after this is all over.  Me getting so frustrated during a confusing work-related video conference that I turned off my camera and went for a run before I typed something I would regret in the chat box.  Being oddly tired at 3:00 p.m., but being wide awake at 3:00 a.m.  Feeling bored and wanting to reach out, but having no idea how or who or why.

I don't want people to die unnecessarily and I know that's the reason we are doing what we are doing.  It doesn't make any of it easier. 

So this is corona, part I of who knows how many.  Where boredom is sadness and frustration is sadness and I'm a failure because all I'm supposed to do to win this war is sit on a couch and wonder what the hell is going on on that polyamorous tiger people show that I've yet to watch.

Because I don't care.

And I want to go to run club.  

And sit in a damned brewery and drink my beer and host trivia and not have to look for silver linings in a toilet bowl full of diarrhea.

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