Acceptance

I recently pulled the trigger on booking a solo trip to Europe. 

I've long been comfortable with doing things on my own.  Whether it's attending a concert, going to the movies, grabbing dinner, or travelling within the United States, I'll pretty much do it on my own without a second thought.  I've twice moved across the country to places where I knew next to no one and being comfortable on my own was a way to ensure life didn't completely pass me by when my social circle was limited to non-existent. 

Even as I've reached a point where I feel my social network is the most complete that it has ever been in my adult life, solo adventures are still a regular occurrence.  However, there was one adventure that I was saving.  I have never been to Europe.  I figured my European adventure would be my honeymoon, right before my future husband and I buy a mid-century modern home and adopt a dog.

All these fantasies and daydreams come to a screeching halt when I am faced with the reality that my romantic forays have been overwhelmingly unsuccessful to this point.  I don't believe that this is because I am unlovable or that men in general are inherently defective.  Instead, I believe this is more the result of me feeling socially fatigued.  The social settings I enjoy most and the spaces where I might meet a potential partner don't seem to connect and most recent experiences with technology-enhanced interactions have left me feeling as if I've wasted my time. This feeling pretty much renders invalid any hope of a honeymoon at this juncture.

I'm going on the honeymoon, but for now I'm doing so without the marriage.  This might be just another example of how I've decided that I'm committed to making sure I have all the adventures I deserve.  But at the same time, it's also been a very real and frightening step in accepting the possibility that a long term romantic relationship may not be what my future holds.  I am both proud of myself for choosing to do something I've wanted to do for so long without waiting for someone to come along to make it happen and saddened that letting one dream live means the acceptance that another dream may be dead.

Europe is big.  Perhaps there could be room for a new dream.  At the same time, I really don't think its in my nature to depend on someone else to help me find my adventure. 

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