Anxieties

This is an official and largely comprehensive list of things that cause me anxiety:

1. I somehow leave the shower or sink on and leave the house for an extended period of time,
coming home to a flood,
2. One or both of my headlights are going to go out when I’m driving and the police will somehow
find all the cocaine I have been transporting in my car, despite the fact I’ve never used or sold
cocaine and I’m unsure of how I would obtain it even if I wanted it.
3. I am going to get bit by a rattlesnake while trail running or hiking.
4. Kaiser Permanente will refuse to cover the medical expenses from said bite and I will end up
living in a dumpster.
5. If I ever become famous enough to publish these blog entries as a book, Kaiser Permanente
will sue me over number 4.
6. That the cute, but likely straight guy I am checking out at the bar will catch me in the act.
7. That the cute, but likely straight guy I am checking out at the bar will catch me and turn out to be
gay and I will be unable to form any sort of words to reciprocate his attempts at small talk.
8. That the cute, but likely straight guy who turned out to be gay and I will go on a date that ends in
a kiss and a promise of a second date, only for my text to be greeted with “New phone, who dis?”
when I try to collect on said date.
9. He will start dating one of my less than half a dozen gay friends and I will need to pretend to be
happy for them when I’m not.
10. They will get married and become that couple that amazingly manages to sneak the fact they
are married into every piece of communication.  “Sure, you can borrow our weedwhacker.  You
know, Byron and I bought that with a Lowe’s gift card we received WHEN WE GOT MARRIED. 
Did you know Byron and I have been married for exactly 722 days and nine hours?”
11. My pants are going to rip when I am at work.
12. My pants are going to rip when I am at work and I will be unable to reshuffle my meetings to go
home and change my pants.
13. Due to my pants issues, a bunch of first graders are going to inform the world that I am wearing
“pantalones cortos negros.”
14. That 11-13 actually happened to me once and there seems to be a reasonable chance that it
could happen to me again.
15. My usual partner in crime won’t show up at quiz night at the gay bar and all the gays will mock
me for quizzing alone, even when I beat them.
16. I will have a sudden bout of diarrhea while running a half marathon.
17. I will have a sudden bout of diarrhea while on a date.
18. I will have a sudden bout of diarrhea at any other time that is inopportune.
19. I will destroy my favorite pair of undies with a sudden bout of diarrhea.
20. I will be between Costco runs and be out of toilet paper when I have a sudden bout of diarrhea
in my own home.
21. That the fact that six of my top anxieties involve diarrhea says something unfavorable about
me as a person.
22. As much as I try to be a person who is in touch with societal issues and my own biases, I will
try to be funny and fail by actually saying something incredibly racist.
23. I will have to pee really bad on a flight, but the seatbelt sign will be on and I will end up wetting
my pants.
24. I have left my apartment unlocked.
25. I have left my car unlocked.
26. I will inadvertently sign into my work iPad with my personal Apple account and that will be the
day that I finally experience the dick pic text phenomena that my less than half dozen gay friends
have told me about.
27. I will accidentally go on Facebook Live when ranting about my parents.
28. I will accidentally go on Facebook Live when ranting about my coworkers.
29. I will accidentally go on Facebook Live when ranting about eyeball cancer.
30. I will realize I have actually done number 29 once and I suddenly find myself concerned about
who saw it almost two years later.
31. I will accidentally go on Facebook Live when I am entertaining a gentleman friend.
32. I am going to lose my mind and intentionally plow my car into a semi, a church bus, or a bunch
of senior citizens having an outing at the park.
33. Every mole on my body is melanoma.
34. Every loud sound I hear outside of my apartment is gun shots.
35. I will accidentally leave for work without any pants on.
36. I will find myself in a situation where I need to play a euphonium in order to save all of
humanity, only to realize I’ve forgotten a third of the fingerings to the B-flat major scale.
37. My parents might actually read my blog.
38. Anyone might actually read my blog.
39. I will get mauled to death by a moose when I am in the wilderness.
40. I will encounter a rabid bat, coyote, or skunk in my local city park.
41. I will accidentally leave my bar tab open and find myself subject to a 30% gratuity.
42. I have accidentally parked in a street sweeping zone and I am going to get a parking ticket.
43. I am going to cook chicken incorrectly and give myself salmonella.
44. Starbucks is going to tell me they are out of sausage and cheddar breakfast sandwiches once
I put in my order.
45. I am going to somehow injure myself in my apartment and no one is going to discover my
dead body for days.
46. Who exactly I should put as my emergency contact when filling out a form.
47. My debit card is going to get declined at the worst possible moment.
48. Some establishment is going to refuse to serve me alcohol because my ID is cracked.
49. How exactly is this purchase going to be coded on my credit card statement?
50. People are going to discover all my neurotic anxieties and think less of me.

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